The scenario…
A 21-year old walks into my cabin, sits in front of me. We start talking and I conclude that she has confidence issues. Constantly doubting her decisions, unable to speak up, fears taking a stand for self, and is scared like she is on constant vigilance. On further assessment and a detailed conversation, I find out that she has a perfectly happy family, is doing really well in her career and has a good group of friends to support her.
Then what was keeping her so low and held-back?
The answer lies in the title…
She was bullied as a child. In her school, by her classmates. She was bullied for her skin tone and her body. This led to stammering which further increased the bullying.
Her description of how she was bullied is a very typical picture where she would be alone in a corner, and there would be a gang of students making noises at her, teasing her “saavli si ek ladki”, “moti, moti”. She had no response to this and would keep sitting on the swing in the corner of the school playground.
Using such sentences to show prowess in areas of physical strength, academics and appearances is a very common occurring.
The impact of bullying…
It is very difficult for people to understand that such sentences are traumatic. They are etched in the minds of children and they can affect anytime, at any point in life, or sometimes throughout life. They affect not only their academic life, but also have a huge impact on their social, personal and familial lives.
Inability to take decisions for yourself is one of the most debilitating condition one can ever face!
They hide behind the tag of being “introverts”, but actually a lot of them are underconfident and self-conscious. Imagine feeling conscious about your clothes, food, speech, walk, expressions and behavior all the time! And the problem is very few people would actually realize the problem and take help. Rest of them would just live with it.
Bullying in colleges has led to some very extreme consequences after which it has become a punishable crime and most colleges all over India have very strict policies against it.
Today with the advent of social media, the word “bullying” has been replaced by “trolling”. Social media has become a platform where people are very open about their opinions and judgements. They do not shy away from passing comments, sending lewd and vulgar messages in response to things that they do not approve of! Trolling has become like a status symbol and people take pride doing it! Making someone feel low is where they get their highs from!
So how do we help them?
Let us start by identifying them.
As adults too, a lot of us have the habit of ignoring those who are quiet, introverts. We just assume that they’re either disinterested or too full of themselves to talk! Very few of us would actually make an effort to involve them, make sure they feel comfortable. Everyone wants to be around people who are talkative and entertaining.
Rather, make an effort to involve that one person who is feeling lonely in a crowd, and is still smiling when the others laugh. Make sure they connect! Encourage them to give their inputs, they always have opinions, but are just scared of judgement! A little motivation in the form of claps, smiles, laughs and attention goes a long way!
Most importantly, how can you avoid this in children?
Please make sure that you have a very strong bond with your child. Ask them every day about whatever happened at school, college, work place! Bullying is not something that happens only during childhood, it is very commonly seen even in adult lives. Do not teach them to accept the wrongs, and teach them to report it, if ever. Stand in their support, against the ones who seem stronger than them!
Identify the difference in behavior. Anyone who is upset, is visibly low and less-talkative.
And please make sure as parents, as colleagues and as friends, discourage the practice of insulting others. Hold back anyone who does it and stand up for people who face it. Don’t let “kidding” go beyond a limit. Nowadays, a lot of people hide behind the phrase of “Just kidding”!
Teach your children to be more inclusive, more acceptant of differences in appearances, academic performances, culture and behaviour. Tell them the consequences of being “rude” and make them a little more tolerant.
As adults, let us be less critical, less judgmental, less aggressive.
Make sure you’re not the reason why someone has to visit a therapist!
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